The other day I cried. I cried in the morning, and I cried a little more. I cried at lunch time, and I cried in the afternoon. They were cries of worry. I cried again later that day. I cried because I felt relieved, and I felt happy. I haven’t had any morning sickness (as in I haven’t gotten sick) since last Sunday. I started saying: “Baby, I didn’t get sick today.” After a couple days, I started counting. Every night, I’d tell my husband: “Guess how many days?” with a big grin on my face. And then I started wondering: “How is that even possible?”, “How can I be pregnant and not sick?” (I suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum/severe morning sickness during my first pregnancy). I wanted to think that it was OK to feel OK but couldn’t shake those “what ifs” out of my head.
And then, I started cramping. I have been pretty crampy during this whole pregnancy (which wasn’t the case with Sixtine until much later) so I thought I should take it easy and it would just go away. But the cramps didn’t ease up…and I started to wonder: “What if something is wrong with the baby?”. The last time I had painful cramps like these, I ended up bleeding. I decided to call the nurse, answered a few questions and decided to go to the ER for peace of mind. We prepared for the worst and held our breath until the Doctor started performing the ultrasound. I didn’t even want to look at the screen. But there it was, she said: “Look, the baby’s heart is beating well, there is good fetal movement. Isn’t that amazing?”. And I started crying. She said: “Why are you crying?”. My husband replied: “Relief.”
What a feeling. An amazing feeling. Now, they didn’t find anything (blood work, urine) that would have cause those cramps and just said that I should take it easy and it was probably early Braxton-Hicks. I left with a huge feeling of relief but I will feel even better on the 26th when we get our formal ultrasound. Starting off the pregnancy thinking I was miscarrying tends to make me worry about everything. But I would like to start planning, nesting, and dreaming about this little baby and stop worrying about every little thing. I want to let myself think that it is going to be all right and that I can let myself start loving this little one fully.