The Guilt

IMG_1850fWhy do I always feel guilty? Why do I always feel that I am not doing enough? Why do I always think that the grass is always greener on the other side? As we approach the six month-mark of exclusive breastfeeding (so proud of myself), and four sharp teeth, I am contemplating the idea of changing things up. I have discussed about potentially getting a pump with some of you, and still haven’t. I am beyond exhausted. I have lost an amazing amount of weight (which is great, don’t get me wrong, but I feel weak), my nipples are sore, and I am just not enjoying it as much. We are still co-sleeping, and she still nurses frequently at night.

I feel the need to mention that I am writing this post during a growth-spurt and therefore, I am very sensitive about the issue. After a couple nights of constant nursing, I am ready to tackle tonight but I can’t help and wonder: Have I hit rock bottom? Is this it? Can I keep going like that for a few more months?

One part of me wants to stop breastfeeding and feels extremely guilty for not wanting to continue to do what is best for my daughter. And the other part of me wants the best for me (mentally and physically speaking). It is just me and the girls 24/7 most of the times as my husband works away, and although we have family here, I care for them exclusively. I dream of a day off. I feel bad about it but it would make me feel so good – walking around, light and free. I would sleep in, read an entire book, window-shop without the stress of being as quick as possible so that my babies aren’t too cranky by the end of it, create, paint, do nothing.

What does it have to do with breastfeeding? Yes, good point. Well, I feel like I am losing myself. I don’t want to be cranky anymore because my child bites me when I feed her. I don’t want to be cranky because I don’t have time for myself in the evening. I don’t want to be cranky because I don’t have uninterrupted sleep. But when she is in her own bed, I can’t find sleep because I miss her.

My first baby drank formula when she turned 2 months old. I wanted the best for her. And I want the best for the new baby. But I know more. I have grown as a parent, and a mother, and it is hard to ignore the simple facts. Breast is best. It is not going to damage her – Sixtine is a beautiful toddler, but I can’t quite tell myself: “Oh, I am tired, I’ll just give her formula. It doesn’t matter that it isn’t best for her.” Pumping would be ideal. Unfortunately, it takes up so much time and energy – I am afraid it might make things even more complicated than they are now.

I am at a complete loss.

10 Ugly Confessions Of A Mama Of Two Under Two

conf

  1. One baby stays up late. The other baby gets up early. Do the Maths.
  2. I am seriously tired of changing diapers. I never really cared for it but I consider it a chore now.
  3. I have lost tons of weight. No diet.
  4. I go to sleep long after midnight. Because it is the only me-time I get.
  5. I have reviewed some of my principles. And I guess it is OK for Sixtine to watch TV when I need a break from her to get something done.
  6. I feel like crying at times.
  7. There are no bad hair days, just bad hair lately.
  8. I thought I only wanted one baby, but when I see them interact, I feel that having Victoire was the best gift we could ever give Sixtine.
  9. I never know what day of the week it is.
  10. I miss my young, wild and free days.

I was inspired to write this post after reading a post about Moms’ confessions and it made me feel so good reading their confessions (they were anonymous which made them all the more authentic) that I thought I would write mine own. I will link up if I find it. In the meantime, please share your confessions with me! Let’s all feel better!

Teething And Biting While Breastfeeding

Image

This will be a quick post. I haven’t been blogging much for many reasons but I will get back to it as soon as I can. I have been working on a very exciting project and with two little ones under two, it has proven difficult doing it all, let alone blogging but it should quiet down a little in the next few weeks.

Victoire, who is now 5 months has two teeths now and she knows how to use them! It is making breastfeeding challenging – add on a bad cold in the mix and you’ve got a pretty good picture.

I am really hurting from the biting and quite discouraged to be honest. I would like to make it 6 months at least, and then push it to 9 months and so on but I have been looking into getting a pump (if I can’t nurse then at least, she would be getting breast milk!) and a cup for her to drink from.

I have been spacing feeding times to make sure she is really hungry and avoid the dreading nipple chewing and I think it is resulting into a blocked duct. Yay me. I usually say no, and put her down when she bites but it doesn’t seem to be working.

What are your thoughts on this? Have you experienced it? What brands would you recommend for a pump and/or a cup?

Co-sleeping, bed-sharing, or sleep-sharing.

vic

Last night, I decided to put Victoire in her own bed, in her own room. I am not sure what triggered the decision – she was starting to fuss and I wasn’t ready to go to sleep but didn’t want to leave my bedroom either (Daddy was away) so I thought: “mon beau chat*”, tonight is the night. You are going to sleep by yourself, like a big girl. I kissed her and wished her goodnight. I left the room and felt sick to my stomach. I wasn’t enjoying not having her with me – as we always do. I felt incomplete. I missed her. I went back. Picked her up. And we had a very good night sleep.

I realize that I am not ready to part with her – exclusively breastfeeding her has created a bond so strong that I feel I can’t let go of her for too long. But I need to find a happy medium, I would like to spend some time with my husband and just cuddle, and dream together without a squirmy little individual in between us.

If you have any experience co-sleeping and would like to share tips or “I hear you” type of thoughts and feelings, I am all ears. Especially if you have experience breastfeeding without co-sleeping! I am not even sure that it is what I want. I just know I need to find a better way of balancing one-on-one time with my husband (or myself for that matter, sometimes, I just want time alone) and cuddly-time with baby.

*I nicknamed her my pretty cat.

Sleeping Nursling

sleepingnursling

Exclusively Breastfeeding: We Made It To Three Months

nursing

Thanks to a wonderful midwife, support groups, good friends and determination, I have reached the 3 months goal I had set for myself; a  realistic goal – something that seemed doable rather than discouraging. I cannot believe that I overcame excruciating pain, tears and exhaustion, all for the sake of my little one’s health. I am proud of myself, proud of her for sticking around (haha) despite some issues we have undergone and I am officially setting a new goal: the 6 months mark. It is not all roses but it brings me joy and satisfaction that I can provide for her this way. I love this special bond we have.

Do you think I can survive without a breast pump? Debating whether I should get one or not…would love to go out with my husband!